Can't Turn Back
by A. Zap
Summary: It took 480 years to break Castiel. Ten years for every hour that passed on Earth. Castiel can't turn back from his new-found knowledge, but then again, too much heart has always been his problem. My take on 4x20 "The Rapture." Also a bit of 4x22 at the end. Slight Destiel.


**DISCLAIMER: I do not own Supernatural. If you recognize it, it's not mine. The interpretations are though.**

**WARNING: Potential trigger warning. Mentions of torture and other unfortunate events.**

* * *

Can't Turn Back

It took 480 years to break him.

Time in Heaven is kind of like time in Hell. It's immaterial. It has no real meaning. Compared to Earth, time could flow faster or move at a snail's pace. For this, Castiel's "punishment", his "warning" unless he wanted to be re-educated (and if that was worse than this, Castiel couldn't help but shudder at what that must be like), one hour on Earth was the same as a decade in this part of Heaven.

Though he didn't really remember being here before, something in him knew this place.

It was terrible.

Ever since pulling Dean out of the Pit, it had seemed like something was wrong. He showed a confident front before the human, but he knew something was off. He had also told the others in the garrison that things would be alright, because he was their captain and tactician and needed to be strong for them, but that was what allowed him to see that something was not right with Heaven's strategies.

It shouldn't have taken them so long to reach Dean in the Pit, and Castiel shouldn't have been the only one to remain looking for him after the news reached their forces that he had broken. They should not have been losing these seals.

The incident with Alistair and Uriel had cemented it. He still had trouble believing that Uriel, and others from what he said, was willing to join Lucifer and break seals. There had been no response from Heaven about Uriel's betrayal. His orders were suspicious. What was going on?

So, he began investigating his orders on his own and started to find ways to work around them, such as when he helped Dean find out how to prevent Lilith from making a deal with his brother. Since meeting Dean, his superiors had been questioning him, but after that they put an eagle eye on him. Still, he couldn't help but continue looking into the problem.

Castiel shouldn't have overheard that conversation, and it had broken every inch of faith in Heaven that he had.

While most of his comrades seemed disgusted with humanity, he had actually liked them. He enjoyed watching them. Sure, they were flawed and often sinned, but he loved watching them overcome obstacles and the kindness they were capable of showing.

So, to find that his superiors, while not siding with Lucifer, wanted the seals to break and humans would just be collateral damage in the aftermath? His faith shattered like a hammer being thrust through a window.

Castiel had thought that he had been doing God's will, that he had been preventing a tragedy. It turned out that he'd been helping it along and taking the Winchesters with him.

His heart twisted at the thought of Dean being dragged into all of this after the horrors of Hell. Of course, he tried to warn him, tried to escape from the watchful eyes of the ones who knew what was really going on and those who were simply following orders.

Castiel really should have expected the ambush. And even he could not take out five angels and a seraph at the same time. Despite his best efforts, he was ripped from his vessel and brought to this place.

He couldn't really tell how much time passed. To him, all there was was pain, pain, pain, and more pain. Occasionally, he would hear Dean praying to him, asking him what was wrong, where he was. The best indication of the passing time was Zachariah's taunts that came later.

For the first half of his entrapment, he experienced torture. Blades ripped through his form, black feathers were torn from his wings, and whips and chains bound and flayed him. Castiel would never forget the sadistic smile on Zachariah's face when the seraph actually broke his wings. Castiel's screams echoed through the chamber, grace bleeding out from his various wounds.

"I'm doing this for your own good, Castiel." Zachariah would say in a sickeningly sweet voice. "This is a warning about being disobedient. Continue this behavior," at this point, he would rip out feathers or stab with his blade, "and we'll send you back to her. _Again_." He snorted. "Seriously, you've always been trouble. Why can't you just obey?"

When confronted with such pain, time ceased to have meaning. His torturers would occasionally change. After all, Zachariah had other things to do other than torture a disobedient angel.

No matter who it was, they all offered the same thing. "You serve Heaven. Not humans or Dean Winchester. Admit it and you'll be free."

Castiel couldn't help but note that they specified Heaven, not God, as the entity he should serve.

Still, Castiel stayed strong. He didn't respond to their taunts and torture, and he clung to what he had learned. He had to stay strong for Dean. He couldn't break.

It was at times like this that Castiel wondered where humans had gotten the idea of angels being kind, benevolent protectors. There were no guardians among them. They did not perch on shoulders and yank people from harm. As Castiel had told Dean, angels were soldiers. Within any army, there are numerous things a soldier may have to do. Torture was one.

Humans seemed to forget that it was an angel that first tortured and corrupted a soul so much that it became a new creature, a demon. That same angel then taught demons all of their tricks, but didn't teach them everything.

When it comes down to it, angels are better at torture than any demon.

At one point though, the outright torture stopped. Zachariah took a step back.

"240 years." He seemed a bit impressed. "That's how long we've had you here. But you still won't break." That last part came out as a growl. "Congratulations, you've surpassed the Righteous Man by 200 years."

Castiel tried to focus on him, but it was a bit hard through the haze of pain.

"Why won't you break? Just submit!" Zachariah threw his tools against the wall in anger. Then, a look of realization crossed his face. He leaned in close. "Or is it all for them? Humans? Dean Winchester?" His lips curled into a sneer and he reached out to cup Castiel's face. "You think you need to stay strong for him. He's the one who is leading you this time." He brought his mouth close. "Do you love the poor human?"

Castiel jerked back. He had tried to hide it, but he should have known it was useless. His superiors had already told him he was too close. It was probably Heaven's worse kept secret.

Zachariah looked at him with pity. "Do you really think he cares about you?" He asked genuinely. "To him, you're just another angelic dick like the rest of us. Useful when he needs you but easily cast aside." The seraph started to pace, but it was more like that of a lion about to pounce on cornered prey. "Do you think you're helping him like this? You overheard us, didn't you? He and all of your other precious humans will be in paradise!" He spread his hands out, appealing to him.

Castiel looked away. He didn't buy what Zachariah was selling.

"All they have right now is pain and suffering." Suddenly, that sadistic smile crept back up onto his face. "But how about," he brought his hand up to Castiel's forehead, "you experience it yourself."

Castiel was cast back into a world of pain. However, it was not his own pain. It was the pain of humanity.

He was a soldier bleeding out in a desert far from home. He was a woman struggling to give birth, knowing it was useless because the baby was dying. He was a young girl dying from cancer. He was a young man that got hit by a drunk driver. He was a wife who had been shot by her husband, and the husband who still reeled from his wife's betrayal. He was a boy who was shunned just because he talked differently. He was a young woman that was being forced into submission as an unknown man raped her. He was a group of adults mourning the loss of a beloved parent. He was a child being beaten by his father. He was another child waiting for someone to notice and adopt her. He was a young man dying of starvation because there was no food and he needed to give what little he had to his siblings. He was a family dying of dehydration because their only water source had dried up. He was a woman committing suicide.

Castiel was all of this and more. Their pain was his pain.

He knew that humans would not experience all of this at the same time, but still, how could humans live with such agony?

"See?" He heard Zachariah's voice whisper from a distance. "Not all that great, huh?"

If anything, this was just telling him how well humans could endure, not telling him that humans were not great.

Then, the pain and agony of humanity overwhelmed him.

Time ceased to have meaning once more.

Eventually, it stopped. Castiel's surroundings returned to him. He was in Heaven, not on Earth. He took shuddering breaths, his form shaking from the sudden lessening of the pain. All that remained was his. Most of the wounds from the physical torture had just started healing, but his wings were still a raggedy, broken mess. Zachariah was looking at him again, a smile on his face. "Will you submit now?"

Castiel shook his head. He didn't want to go through that again, but…

_You need to stay strong. For Dean, the Winchesters, everyone, stay strong._

He closed his eyes and took another shaky breath.

"Why isn't this working?" Zachariah was throwing another tantrum. "What will it take? What will break you?"

Castiel started to tune him out until he felt pain from a familiar source. It was not like what Zachariah had just put him through. This prayer, rage, and pain surged up through the connection he had with his vessel, Jimmy Novak. He hadn't really been able to pay attention to him since being dragged here, but now he could hear him loud and clear.

"Castiel, you son of a bitch!" Jimmy yelled at him. "You promised me my family would be okay! You promised you would take care of them!"

Castiel searched for the source of his prayer, and looked at Jimmy's surroundings. He subconsciously jerked back in surprise. Jimmy and the Winchesters were being pursued by demons. In fact, Jimmy's wife was possessed and was being held hostage along with his daughter. What had happened to the protections he had placed on them and the house to ensure they were safe?

This was bad.

"I gave you everything you asked me to give! I gave you more!" Jimmy vented his frustrations. "This is the thanks I get? This is what you do? Your Heaven?"

Jimmy's tone changed slightly. He was pleading. "Help me, please! You promised, Cas!" Castiel felt a slight twinge of surprise at him using Dean's nickname for him. "Help me!"

The anger drained out of him and Jimmy looked down. As much as Castiel wanted to answer him, he couldn't in this state, so Jimmy heard no response to his prayer. "Typical."

Castiel came back to himself. He had to go help them. Instinctively, he went to fly down, but found himself stopped by the chains. As he looked up, he saw Zachariah's smirk and now calm demeanor.

_Oh, Father,_ he stared at the seraph in growing horror, _what did they do?_

Zachariah chuckled. "Seems like your vessel and the Winchesters are in a spot of trouble, huh?" He came up to Castiel and jerked his head up. "It's been nearly 480 years now, you know. Two days for them. After you failed to yield to our torture, I realized we might need some incentive."

The seraph let go of Castiel, dropping him to the floor, and walked away. "Your vessel was trying to go home, so it was all too easy to erase the protections you placed to keep them safe as you promised. Of course, the Winchesters had to follow him."

He turned back around. "So here's the deal." He leaned down. "Submit, and you can go save them. Because we aren't going to lift a finger otherwise."

Castiel stared at him. _Is this what Heaven's become? How could it become so corrupted?_

Zachariah stood straight and looked down at his fingernails, as if he had nothing to worry about. "We can always bring Dean back to do our work. But, the abomination, your vessel and his family?" He leaned into Castiel's face and sneered. "We'll cast all of them down into Hell."

Castiel was in shock. _They can't do this. All of them are innocent!_

"Oh, and," Zachariah decided to put the final nail in the coffin, "when we're done with him, Dean will join them down there."

Castiel couldn't allow this. This was his breaking point. He could endure whatever they did to him. However, he could not risk Jimmy, who had given so much. His daughter and wife certainly did not deserve it for just being there. Sam was not a monster as Heaven claimed. And he never wanted Dean to experience Hell ever again.

This was his fault that they should suffer because of him.

It may have made him a failure of an angel, but he cared about them too much.

"So, what will it be?" Zachariah had him, and he knew it.

For Castiel, there was only one choice. He closed his eyes and sighed. Then, he looked up at Zachariah.

It had taken 480 years, but by using the ones he cared about, Castiel finally broke.

For the first time in 480 years, he spoke.

"I serve Heaven. I do not serve Man. And I most especially do not serve," his breath caught in his throat. His voice was soft and wrecked from all of the screaming, but he finished with, "Dean Winchester."

"Good boy." Zachariah said. He snapped his fingers.

The chains fell away. Castiel got up to fly down despite the extensive damage to his wings.

"You will have to let your injuries heal. We won't help you. They'll serve as a reminder. Also, take the girl that's compatible instead of the father. He's no good anymore." Zachariah walked away. "And Castiel," he looked him in the eye, "we'll be watching."

_In other words, don't tell Dean anything._ Castiel translated.

He couldn't forget what he knew, but for now he could do nothing. Too much was at risk.

Castiel had no choice.

* * *

It hurt to fly. His wings really were in no state for it.

Claire gasped a bit when she saw him. Due to Jimmy's preoccupation, he knew that Claire was a better choice at this time. Also, Zachariah had said to take her, and if he disobeyed, they would all be doomed. She took in his injuries and tears filled her eyes.

Castiel felt grief wrap around his heart. She was still a child but she could tell where his wounds came from. She shouldn't know that. She was too innocent, but now she knew the truth.

And as Castiel had just experienced, once one knows the truth, he or she can't turn back. There is no way to return to that time of innocence.

_This is my fault._ A voice whispered at the back of his mind. A litany grew there: _My fault. I'm sorry. My fault. I'm sorry._

"_You're Castiel, aren't you?" _Luckily, Claire knew to speak to him with her mind. _"Is this our fault?"_ Tears made her eyes glisten.

"_No. This is my fault. It is a result of my decisions."_ He tried to console her.

Her eyes hardened as she looked past him at the worsening situation. Jimmy had been shot. It was probably fatal. _"Why are you talking to me?"_

"_I'm sorry."_ He apologized. _"I require a vessel. We angels can technically take anyone who are strong enough, but I can see that you and your father are the most compatible for me. Please…"_ He trailed off, hating that he was asking a child for this.

She glanced over at her father as he fell. _"Will you save them? Even in this state?"_

"_Yes."_

She looked at him and gave a small smile, though there was still a touch of moisture in her eyes. _"Despite what Dad said, I think you do keep your promises, Castiel. Otherwise, demons would probably have come for us sooner."_ Claire closed her eyes. "Yes." Her voice came out as a soft whisper, too soft to be heard by the others in the room.

But it was loud enough for Castiel.

Castiel's essence poured into her. It was a different fit than he was used to, but this would have to do. He shut Claire off from his consciousness and memories, trying to shield her as best as he could from what he had just experienced. It was the least he could do to protect the girl.

Castiel opened her eyes. She quickly grasped the iron bar heading for her. Even in the state she was in, it was all too easy to smite the demon attacking her.

The Winchesters took this as a signal to fight their own captors, and Castiel burned the ropes holding her vessel in place to go assist them.

In the back of her mind, the chant still went on. _I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry._

She really hoped that there was no sign of her pain and guilt on her face as she approached the other demons.

Castiel spared a glance at Jimmy, and she could see it clicking in his mind.

His eyes widened as he stared at her. "Castiel." He put more pressure on his wound as he looked at her in horror for taking his daughter.

_I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry._

She had to appear like it didn't affect her. The angels were watching.

Castiel continued forward without giving him another look.

She took care of the demon on Dean first. Even now, with danger hanging over their heads, she couldn't deny that he was her priority.

As she and Dean went over to help Sam, she felt a pang of disappointment. Sam was drinking the demon's blood. Now, Dean knew exactly what he had been up to. Sam stabbed the demon, but there was no way to hide the blood on his lips.

_They can't turn back from this either._ She mused.

There was nothing she could do though, so Castiel kept her face an emotionless mask.

She sensed another demon, the one in Claire's mother, coming up behind them, but luckily Sam exorcised and killed the demon. At least, Amelia would live. It was a small consolation.

Jimmy was dying and now Castiel was taking away her daughter. She couldn't expect Amelia to be grateful.

It also did not change the fact that the entire situation was her fault.

_I'm sorry._

Still, Castiel had more important things to worry about. She walked over to Jimmy.

Once there, she didn't really know what to do. Comfort wasn't really something one did in Heaven. She called upon a memory that she had gotten from when she was in Jimmy of him brushing Claire's hair back after she had a nightmare.

Castiel tried to brush his hair back, but she thought she did it wrong. Jimmy didn't look comforted at all. "Of course we keep our promises." She told him.

Or at least, she did. Given her recent experience, she wasn't sure who else in Heaven did.

"Of course you have our gratitude." She continued, because she _was_ grateful. Due to Jimmy, she had been able to meet Dean in a way he could see her. Even with the pain that had brought her, it was still worth it.

Not that Heaven could know that. They would probably give her another warning or take her for re-education if they did.

"You've served us well. Your work is done. Time to go home now. Your real home. You'll rest forever in the fields of the Lord." Castiel could at least ensure that Jimmy made it to Heaven. He deserved it, and once he was there they couldn't send him to Hell.

She also made sure that her voice remained steady. The pain she was still in made her want to cry out, and Jimmy's death also saddened her. However, if she gave any sign, the Winchesters would know something was up and Heaven would probably try to beat the emotions out of her.

"Rest now, Jimmy." Castiel prepared to let him go.

"Claire…" Jimmy's eyes showed his anguish from his injury, but he only cared about his baby girl.

In a way, humans were lucky to be allowed to show their emotions so blatantly.

"She's with me now." Castiel admitted. _I'm sorry._

Jimmy gave a muffled groan of pain. His eyes never left hers, and there was a silent plea in them.

"She's chosen. It's in her blood, as it was in yours," she tried to explain. It was their relatedness that probably made them compatible to her.

"Please, Castiel," Jimmy was pleading with him. "You need to take me. Take me please." Tears were filling his eyes. He didn't want his daughter to share his fate.

Castiel hesitated. She had been told to take the girl, which she had. Zachariah had never said that she couldn't take Jimmy back afterward. That way, Claire would be free and things would return to how they were.

Castiel knew that Zachariah and the others were waiting for her to disobey again. After all, it was not pain that caused her to fold, although she did fear going through that again. It was the very emotions they sought to erase which had caused her to break, so it wouldn't take long for her to follow those feelings once more and do something drastic. Her heart was her greatest asset, but also her greatest weakness.

This wouldn't be disobeying though. Technically. So they wouldn't be able to punish her for taking Jimmy back.

Jimmy had hated it though.

_I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry._

"I want to make sure you understand." Castiel said. "You won't die, or age. This last year was painful for you. Think of a hundred, a thousand more like it." Then again, at the rate she was going she wouldn't last another year without being blasted away for disobedience.

Jimmy grabbed her arm. "Give me back her, and take me." This was an order, and it was obviously hard for him to speak. Still, Jimmy pushed on. "Take me." He was going into shock.

It was now or never.

Castiel wanted some way to thank him, to show him that she really was grateful. A way to convey everything she felt towards his sacrifice without the angels knowing it.

A memory of a movie stirred in Claire's mind. A man in a mask who did not say the normal three words to convey his feelings, but a different set of words.

"As you wish." Castiel said, and she brought her hands up to Jimmy's face. _I'm sorry._

She transferred her essence from Claire to Jimmy.

Castiel heard more than felt as Claire gasped and jerked away. He had blocked almost everything, but she already knew how bad things were.

It felt right for him to once more dwell in Jimmy. It simply felt more natural to him, like this was supposed to be.

It took a moment to orient himself and deal with Jimmy. He felt his vessel's horror as he took in Castiel's current state and realized what had happened, why his family had been attacked, and why Castiel hadn't been able to come to their aid right away. Castiel tried to hide it from him, as he had with Claire, but just as he was used to Jimmy, Jimmy was also used to him. He now knew why Castiel had given up.

"_God, Cas, I'm sorry." _Horror and regret curled around Jimmy's soul. _"If I had known…"_

"_I'm fine."_ Castiel gave the typical Winchester response. _"It's my own fault."_

"_No, it's not!"_ Jimmy was enraged on his behalf.

Castiel didn't respond and instead found that that repetition was still going on in the back of his head. _I'm sorry._ Jimmy heard it, too, but Castiel couldn't face that now. There was still more to be done.

Castiel stood up. The wound on Jimmy's stomach and the blood accompanying it were gone.

He noticed that Claire glanced at him, but they both knew that he couldn't acknowledge her as she continued to take shuddering breaths. Amelia walked past him to comfort her daughter and it was only then that he turned around and stared at them.

_I'm sorry. I'm sorry._

As the two embraced, he turned from them. There was nothing more he could do for them.

"Cas, wait up." Dean's voice came to him, and he had to face him.

Castiel noted the hints of concern on his face, but the need to know the reason for the whole ordeal was more prominent.

"What were you going to tell me?" Dean asked.

Castiel felt another pang of guilt. He knew that the angels would be watching this interaction very closely.

_I'm sorry._

Castiel looked into Dean's eyes, taking in the beautiful green color. This would probably be the last time these eyes would look at him with such kindness and concern, because his next words would shove him from the position of ally and almost friend back to being an angelic dick. He'd be back to square one.

However, his feelings were not worth sacrificing everyone in this warehouse.

"I learned my lesson while I was away, Dean." Castiel told him sternly. "I serve Heaven; I don't serve Man. And I certainly don't serve you."

He ignored the slight touch of pain that entered Dean's eyes and turned away.

Castiel's wings were really too injured for him to attempt flying again so soon. Instead of flying off like he usually did, he instead walked out of the warehouse. He could feel their incredulous stares burning into his back, but he ignored them. He knew walking instead of flying might hint to Dean that something was seriously off, but he was in too much pain to really care.

_I'm sorry._

Anna had lied to Dean when she had said they had no emotions. Dean should have realized this by now given that he had seen Uriel's blatant disgust and anger. Castiel had shown his own to Dean when he had talked with him on that bench in the park.

Castiel knew he was not the only angel with emotions, but it didn't matter. His emotions had opened what his superiors had called "doorways to doubt." This last interaction would probably cement Anna's lie though in Dean's mind: Angels have no emotion and they only follow orders.

Anna had also said that he didn't know what it felt like to be sorry. Castiel had known then, and he had been sorry. His regret then was nothing to how he felt now though.

_I'm sorry._

This wouldn't last. Everything had changed and there was no going back. Castiel would be watched even closer now, and everyone was just waiting for the axe to drop.

Castiel could wait. He was considered to be one of the more patient angels, and he was one of the better strategists. His smarts were why he was a captain in the first place.

For now, he would play by the rules. Not only was it too dangerous to do anything right now, but also the tide would eventually turn. He had to wait for the best moment to strike.

Castiel would do his best to stop the Apocalypse, even if all of Heaven was against him.

* * *

Not even a week passed before the moment came.

Castiel had played Heaven's game. He had forced a false promise from Dean's lips. He had been forced to play bait and then could not warn Anna in time before she was taken. He had opened the door to Bobby's panic room. Now, though, Heaven's attention was turned to Sam.

It was finally time.

Dean pleaded with him to stop the seal from breaking, but there was much more at risk than he knew. So before Castiel rebelled, before he made it so all of them would be hunted and killed, he had another promise to keep.

After Dean's ultimatum, Castiel flew to Amelia and Claire. Amelia jumped in surprise, but Claire just looked at him with sad eyes. From what little she had seen, she had known this was coming.

"You need to run." He placed his fingers on both of their chests, carving more permanent protections and sigils on their ribs. Zachariah and the others would not be able to erase these so easily. "Because of what I am about to do, angels may come after you to retaliate. These sigils will protect you. With these, you will be hidden from every angel. Including me."

From Castiel's mind, he could feel Jimmy wince at the thought of not being able to find his family. The two had discussed this though, so he knew it was for the best.

Amelia was spluttering, but Claire remained calm and nodded. "Anything else, Cas?" She asked.

Castiel pulled out a slip of paper with a phone number written on it that he had copied from Dean's phone. He handed it to her. "This is the number for a hunter named Ellen. You need to hide yourself and she will probably help if you ask. She can also tell you other ways to protect yourself."

Claire looked at the paper and nodded. Then, she stared up into his eyes. "This is the last time we'll see you."

"Most likely," he agreed.

Castiel was surprised by the hug she gave him. "Thank you." She whispered.

Castiel tried to brush her hair back like he had tried with Jimmy. The small smile indicated that he had done better this time. "Jimmy loves you very much." He glanced at Amelia, who glared at him but would follow his advice to keep her daughter safe. "Both of you."

With those final words, he walked out of the Novak house. He checked where he had hidden Dean's demon blade at the small of his back.

Castiel had a plan.

He would most likely die, but as Dean had said, this was worth it.

Humans, despite all of the suffering they endured, were worth it.

Dean was worth it.

Castiel spread his just healed wings and flew back to Dean.

There would be no turning back.

They had an Apocalypse to stop.

* * *

_AN: So, the idea of this popped up. I know most think it was Naomi who got him here, but I think that it was just a warning (ie. torture). If Naomi had been a part of this session of Bible Boot Camp, Cas would have been more robotic. Obviously his wings were damaged at some point during his "lesson" since Cas never walks anywhere if he can help it. The timing of it was like I made it, because Heaven time does seem a lot more fluid. I also think that when he disappeared in 4x22, it was to protect Amelia and Claire, because he had promised Jimmy to keep them safe. Of course, Dean wouldn't think of them since he only cares about Sam. Please review if you want.  
_


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